The Happenings of March (to be continued)

Woah you guys. It's been awhile! Thankfully my internet connection is back up (for now) and we can all be together again :) Crazy things happen every day, but let's talk about Thursday. Taurus Man and I had an open appointment at the OB-GYN's office because she expected me to go into labor before Thursday and didn't think she would see us until after the baby was born.

However, Thursday morning, Taurus Man and I overslept and were hustling to get there around noon, still very much pregnant. Just minutes away, the receptionist called asking if everything was okay and if I had gone into labor yet. I informed her I was all good and we were ironically just about to get there, so we saw each other about a minute later. My blood pressure was normal, slightly low as usual, and my weight had now gone up to 141 lbs, which my doctor attributed to my swollen extremities.

She was pleased to hear Taurus Man was finally accepted for a job and had started just that Monday after hearing about it for the first time and meeting his boss on Sunday. We chit-chatted for awhile as she squeezed in my vitals to the bottom of my care card and kept asking out loud why on Earth this baby was not out yet.

I slipped off my panties, got up on the table, covered my groin with the available folded sheet, and lifted my dress over my belly (I'm getting pretty good at this process now) as she and Taurus Man entered the ultrasound/examination room to get started. As per the norm, icy cold lube is squeezed on my belly as she feels around until the doppler, picks up that familiar galloping sound, and shows us the healthy heart rate of 152, the highest of all our visits so far.

She then grabs the ultrasound wand thing and rubs it all around, smearing lube all over my belly as she shows us Superbaby's head, opening and closing mouth, beating heart, spine, hands and fingers, butt, legs, knees, and feet. Taurus Man and I get all gooey and mushy inside as we look on. Superbaby's head measures at 39 1/2 weeks, and his/her hip to knee measurement is 40 weeks. "Baby is more than ready to come out," she says "Why is he or she camping out in there? Let's see if we can evict Baby today."

I'm such a pro at this by now that I automatically bring my knees up, keeping my feet together and as close to my butt on the table as possible. I wait for her nod to part my knees, letting one drop against the wall and the other in her hand as she inserts her lubed up gloved fingers into my lady parts. She gasps as soon as she goes in, not even passing my bladder. "This is Baby's head right here! Why isn't Baby coming? I don't understand. Right here!" I laugh as she continues upward.

I breathe in sharply as she touches my cervix and nods at me "Everything is ready. What is Baby waiting on? Did I tell you last week that your cervix was back? I pulled it forward right?" I nod at both questions as she re-positions herself and continues "It's a little back again so I'm going to pull it forward again and give you a little stretch again, ready?" This is my third stretch, and second pulling forward of the cervix. I nod and start to do deep breaths in through my nose and deep breaths out through my mouth as she taught me.

Taurus Man gives me his hand to squeeze and I close my eyes, still breathing through the sweet pain of such a sensitive area being touched and I feel the familiar rubber band snap down there as I feel her finger pulling my cervix forward. Only this time, I feel it repeatedly like sharp, painful slaps, as she goes back a few more times and pulls again, apologizing all the way and assuring me she's just as uncomfortable as I am, and encouraging me to keep breathing.

I want this baby out so bad I no longer think murderous thoughts in my head when she's doing this. By the fourth or fifth pull my right eye has gotten water-y and I breathe in sharply. She's surprised as I've taken the other stretches/exams with no fuss and assures me she's almost done before finally pulling out.

She pauses and tells me to let her know when I'm ready for her to go back in and do the actual stretch. She looks tired and I feel bad for showing that I felt more pain this time. This time, I believe her when she says she's just as uncomfortable as I am and imagine how her fingers must be uncomfortably twisting through the tight space down there to do her job. This poor lady does this all day. This time, I feel for her, something clicks in my head and I connect with her, and feel like if we're on the same page. I'm transported to another world and I have a twilight zone moment where I realize we share this moment and this experience as women, she knows what this feels like and how I feel, she's doing her job, dedicating her life to this every day, and she's helping me and taking care of me. I prefer getting all the pain done and dealt with as quickly as possible, so just as with my other appointments, I take two quick, deep breaths and nod for her to go ahead.

I resume my deep breathing as she goes back in and shut my eyes tightly as she begins the familiar stretch. I have a mental image of her finger pushing around a muscle-y looking circle, trying to widen my cervix to give my body another head start on labor. I continue breathing through the pain, telling myself this moment will pass as she continues apologizing, until she announces that she's done. I breathe out a huge sigh of relief and she shows me her glove coated with a little mucus and blood and advises me, as before, to expect some mucus, blood, and cramping.

She wipes the lube off my belly and hands me a wad of toilet paper to wipe my lady parts as she and Taurus Man head back to her desk to allow me to get dressed. I join them and she says that's the very most she can do and it's all up to Superbaby to come out and join us now. She asks if I have any stiffening of my belly, and surprisingly, I don't this time. I feel a little pressure pushing down and some cramping, but totally normal otherwise. She writes up a letter and advises me to go straight to the hospital next week with her referral for me to be induced if Superbaby has not come by then. We review the signs of labor again, she asks that I call when I go into labor or after having the baby, that I come back in four weeks after birth to discuss contraception, and wishes us luck.

Taurus Man and I headed straight home as I was uncomfortable with the pressure and cramping and had barely eaten that morning as we rushed out, as opposed to Taurus Man skipping breakfast entirely and it being past lunch time. I start to feel a bit dizzy since my new normal eating schedule throughout the pregnancy has been to eat every hour and a half, and recline my seat as we rush home. We go straight up the stairs and to the kitchen where I wash a pot and Taurus Man takes over to make me a pack of ramen noodle soup, a craving that's come back with a vengeance.

I hear a shrill noise and look around on my kitchen chair (I now have a chair in every room of the house) before I realize it's my phone, ringing from my purse, flung over the living room couch. I get up and it stops ringing just as quickly as I had started hearing it. I walk over to the couch and fish the phone out of my purse. It's my paternal aunt's number. I sigh as I dial my mailbox to hear the voicemail.

My paternal grandmother calls from this number and leaves me uber stressed after every conversation. I am tired, hungry, dizzy, allergy-ridden, and cramping. I don't want to deal with this now. Instead of hearing my grandmother's voice, I hear my aunt, sounding extremely pissed, saying that she's in front of the house and nobody's there and since she's not getting through to me on the phone, she's leaving and had in fact come to drop off a belly firming thing my mom had sent for me with my grandmother in January.

I stare at the phone and check my missed calls. I had only missed the one call. Taurus Man and I ran upstairs as soon as we came home less than a minute before the phone rang. The water from my ramen noodles wasn't even boiling yet. Cancer Grump had come home right after us, parked his van in front of the house, and closed the garage gate to come in after us. Had she waited for even 30 seconds before driving off? Taurus Man asks what's going on. I feel like I'm about to cry. (Hormonal much?)

I pull up my aunt's number and quickly explain the voicemail to him and ask him why would she sound so angry that we weren't outside the house as soon as she came? She showed up unannounced, came for the first time in nearly 3 years, and sounded infuriated that we didn't psychically know she would be there and dropped everything going on in our lives to sit in front of our house all day waiting for her to grace us with her presence  I am on the verge of tears now. Taurus Man also knows that I've been worrying about this belly thing for awhile now, because if they were not giving it to us, we would have to spend around $1000 to buy one. He sits me down, tells me not to worry, and says I should call her back, he'll drive and meet her wherever she is, I just need to relax and get something to eat as I hadn't eaten all day. He guides me over to my chair as my eyes well up and I grab his arm as I feel some painful pressure pushing down towards my lady parts, as well as some tight belly stiffening (I would later discover these were contractions) and the cramping continues.

I have low credit on my phone since every call to my paternal grandmother finishes nearly all my credit. I hope it's enough to make the call. My aunt finally answers, still sounding angry and after I explain that my credit is low so I can't stay long, and we literally just came through the door from my doctor's appointment and I was very hungry and just about to finally organize something to eat, I ask if she can come back. She says she came and didn't see anybody in a how-dare-you voice and she's already up the road and going to the town. I ask where she is and say Taurus Man will come and meet her. She hesitates and first she says she's busy in the town and Taurus Man would have to come all the way out to the middle of the town and look for her because she's going to a jewelry shop with her daughter, then asks me to hold on and says to tell Taurus Man to start getting ready to leave and that by the time he gets there she'll be in the town. I repeat to her as I had in the beginning of the conversation when she angrily complained that nobody was home and she waited for me to come downstairs, that Taurus Man and I had just gotten home from the doctor's office and came straight upstairs to organize some food and I was hungry and waiting to eat. We were still dressed having just come through the door and Taurus Man would just jump in the car right away and go, reaching the town in only a minute or two. She tells me to hold on again and then says okay, she's turning around to come back.

My eyes are now full of water at her increasing harshness over the phone. Taurus Man tells me not to worry, go lie down in the room, he'll prop some pillows up for me to lean back on, and bring my soup when it's done. He'll go downstairs and collect my belly thing and I can relax and finally eat and not worry or stress over anyone. He takes me to the room and fixes the pillows for me, asks if I need anything else, and hands me my bottle of water. A minute later he comes back in with my soup and just as I pick up my spoon and start to blow the hot soup, the phone rings again.

My aunt says she's downstairs. I tell her okay, Taurus Man is coming. She says she wants to see me for a minute. I tell her I'm just about to eat and I'm very hungry and very tired (I am about to cry again). She says come, it's only for a minute. I sigh and say okay. (Telling people in my family "no" is akin to committing murder) My belly grumbles loudly as I regretfully push away my long-awaited soup and breathe through the next wave of pressure painfully pushing down as I feel blood collecting between my legs. I wait a moment for it to stop, and Taurus Man takes my hand and squeezes it as I dry my eyes and he heads downstairs with me.

We open the garage door, which I intended to lean up on, afraid of fainting with how weak I felt (low blood count & bleeding & no food all day is a bad combo) and find them parked across the other side of the yard not facing the direction they would normally be if coming from the town, in front of Cancer Bitch's business place. Luckily she's not there to be pissed about that. I walk over and find my paternal grandmother coming out of another one of their vehicles holding a plastic bag and smiling. My aunt has come out and is pulling at her too-tight preteen/teenager-esque cut-out clothes and standing there with her arms folded, a serious expression on her make-up caked face; over-plucked eyebrows raised, excessively lipsticked lips pouting, neck crooked to the side ready to start screwing around her head to say something with attitude.

My grandmother, looking nearly identical to her daughter, starts off with "I want to come when the baby is born and help you with things because I'm feeling bad to know you don't have anybody." My jaw nearly hits the floor. What is she up to? This woman has never been close to my brothers or myself and is practically an outright stranger to me. She was among the first phone calls I made announcing my pregnancy (in the naive hope of a sudden change), and as usual, had not seeked an interest other than to blame me for trying to diminish her "youth" with the impending birth of my child and complain (a favorite past time it seems). My mother had been helping my grandmother while she was in NY and in return my mother was promised that she (my grandmother) was coming to Trinidad to, among other things, specifically help me during my pregnancy and with the baby etc Although while she used my mother's boyfriend for transport and my brothers as caddies to shop in brand-name stores for her real grandkids, my mother literally begged her at every outing to buy something for the baby until she finally bought 4 thrift store sickening pink tutu onesies with the $1.99 tag still on (I had told her numerous times growing up that I hated pink and my mantra through this pregnancy has been "I do not know the gender and I do not want to know. I want a gender neutral theme. I DO NOT want anything pink or blue.") and gave them to me moping "Things are so hard in New York, I don't have any money. Everything was so expensive." Okay lady:
1. I don't want your damned bribery money or bribery things bought with the bribery money.
2. Tell that to the endless barrels every. single. year. (like the 7 from last year) and constant shopping you do for your other grandkids.
3. Why am I not surprised by any of this? At all?

 If she really cared and could pull her lips away from her daughter's family's rear end long enough to spare a thought for anyone other than herself or them, where was she when I needed help 8 freaking months ago when I was puking my guts out and couldn't move on my own, preventing Taurus Man from working because there was no one else to help? Which I had told her when she called to quarrel with me for not calling despite my insistence that I was just getting out of the hospital from needing IV fluids and meds and on my way home. And for the record, why was I calling someone who never cared and made every effort to praise herself and that family, contributed to my body image issues growing up insisting I was always too fat the few times she saw me as a teen (I was a size 5/6 and eventually went down to below a size zero), and was constantly looking for ways to belittle me and make me feel insecure and ashamed of my body and self? I don't read the newspapers anymore and hardly watch TV because I don't want to be around so much negativity anymore. So why have I been putting up with her?

 I definitely do NOT want the soon-to-be-if-not-already-publicized-and-only-there-for-the-self-benefits "help" from a cold, detached, judgmental stranger around my newborn baby while I recover from a potentially painful and helpless position and try to establish bonding with a child I still could not connect with. I know all too well that these people are all about benefiting and praising themselves and ridiculing others Experience is one helluva good teacher. And with these people? It's every. single. time.

So in my shock, I say something along the lines of "What?....umm......o.........k? Wait...are you serious? And you're coming here NOW to....? What? Wait, what?" She strokes my arm and gives this weird big smile that gives me goosebumps "yeah, and how come you're not calling me? I'm calling and calling and you're not taking my calls and your mommy is calling me and scaring me because she's so worried that something is wrong because she said you're not taking her calls either."

I stare at her. Self, be calm and do not yell at this bitch I say to myself. I try to smile and answer her, "I saw your two missed calls and I barely have credit on my phone to call ($55 of credit was finished calling her twice in about a week and a half to listen to her complain about herself just the freaking month before. She knows neither Taurus Man or I are working and we both have medical expenses. Why doesn't communication work both ways?). The last time I spoke to my mother (about a week or week and a half before) I told her the magic jack (our main means of communication) isn't working which she knows and right now our main form of communication is through email, and she knows that." My grandmother's face falls. She looks like if I just told her Santa Clause isn't real. I'm guessing she had no clue I was in contact with my mom. I'm guessing her guilt-trip intended line had no backing to it.

"Well you're not calling me and your mother is worried and said she's scared and that something is wrong with the baby." She says coldly. Now her face is serious; lips pressed together, staring at me with what my old Social Studies teacher used to call "dagger eyes", arms folded as she pulls away and simultaneously deepens and harshens her tone. I look from her to her daughter, fighting back hormonal tears as they both stare me down as if waiting for the cue to attack. Why are my mother's phone calls to me of interest to her anyway? Can't I have some privacy? Must this ______ family stick their nose in EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. of my personal business?

In any case, even if it were her business, every phone call my mother makes to me sends me into a stressed frenzy for days as I have to explain to her that her ex-boyfriend dreaming I had the baby does not mean I'm in labor, and just because my pregnancy isn't identical to hers, that does not mean something is wrong with my baby. I go through things like this in every conversation with her as she makes snarky comments and puts me down assuring me the baby with be just as scrawny and ugly as I am or underweight and sickly because my pregnancy isn't going "right" like hers did etc. I would like to smack her and her we're-just-friends-now "ex-boyfriend", but I go "mmmhmmm, okay" instead and I spend hours locked in the bathroom crying after each phone call.

The last time I spoke to my mother she was avoiding my grandmother's calls so now I wonder what kind of chummy relationship they're having behind my back despite my mother's hatred for her in-laws, for my grandmother to use her as a supposedly excusable trump card in coming over to ambush and interrogate me like this, days away from my due date, knowing fully well about what a difficult pregnancy I've been having and how stressed I've been. To top things off, I'd like to bash in my grandmother's head with my phone. I spent $60 in phone credit last month and was left with just about $4-$5 by the middle of the month after TWO phone calls to only my grandmother, who spends the majority of the call insisting that I should call her instead of her calling me, telling me to hold on as she carries on conversations with her daughter and grandkids in their house, talks about supposedly not having money and things being hard (her favorite topic choice for conversations with me), and complains about the last time she was sick in NY.  I purse my lips and try to force a smile at her and start saying "I can't call because I don't have much credit on my phone" as my aunt butts in.

"I'm hearing rumors that you're bad-talking me and my husband and my children somewhere, like facebook." I'm like "What?" She screws around her head and says "You're talking about me on your facebook status, you better clarify who the ______ family is....you better clarify your status and clarify who you're talking to" Apparently I need to clarify a facebook status I wrote nearly a week ago [to my paternal aunt: aka facebook police: aka personal stalker: aka possibly menopausal narcissistic nutjob. The gist of it was something like "The day people from the _________ family can stop being manipulative story tellers, liars, and thieves, is the day I will stuff the biggest medium-rare steak I can find down my throat. Note: Pigs will also be flying and gold will be falling from the heavens." That was right after a phone call with my mother as she again insisted that I contact her family and go help them with things in their house, it was my duty to probe through their private lives and forcefully invite myself into their circles (after being threatened and outcasted), as well as my responsibility to go over to certain relatives' houses and help them cook and clean and took after their children like I used to as a teen and ask them to please come and cook for me and help me with the baby until someone said yes.

I had told her that in nearly three years of living here, I had tried to establish contact with the few members of the family that had not completely outcasted me and after going through hell and back with Taurus Man's heart attack, my own terrible health, and the beginning of my pregnancy last year, I decided to stop being the only one to run around calling and visiting. I told my mother that relationships are a two way street, people in the family have my number and know where I live and I left the door open to them to be involved in my life and none of them have taken it up to be there. I assured her that yes, I did tell certain aunts and uncles that I was pregnant and yes, they know where I live and have both mine and Taurus Man's number and not a single call or visit or concern was placed from any of them.

I did not believe it was my responsibility to continue feeding these unhealthy, stress-inducing one-sided relationships. Calling and visiting works both ways, and with everything I was dealing with last year, I could not realistically take care of my suicidally depressed sickly self and heart attack recovering husband as he had his two operations done and recovered, and once my pregnancy begun, I was bedridden with morning sickness and fainting spells and had more days where I was too weak to even lift my head off the bed than days where I could get up and move around. I'm not the kind of person to call up everyone and cry my sorrows to them, and as far as I see, that's none of their business anyway. I let them know about Taurus Man's heart attack and then again about my pregnancy. I left the communication ball in their court and no one picked it up. I've had enough to deal with as things have been, and I was not making that my problem.

But still, my mother insisted that I needed to go help a pregnant aunt and I needed to go around to the family asking repeatedly for help with the baby until someone would agree to come. I'm usually the first person to jump up and help people, but when I myself am in the position I have been in for the past year, my priorities have changed and I chose to put myself and my baby first. I was definitely not going to beg anyone to come and be there for me to hear any crap about it after or have anyone throw it back in my child's face in the future (something my mom's family regularly does). With each phone call I continued to insist that I was fine and I was not going to beg these people that I had been non-existent to for the past year, others for the past three years, and continued asking my mom to please drop it. Obviously that did not happen.

For the past few weeks my hormones have turned me into a water fountain even though I hate letting myself cry, so the more my mom kept pushing this family thing, especially as she spoke about people that have hurt me and wronged me, is the more and more I let it get to me until I got to a point where I needed to vent about it. Hence, my status. Bad move on my part, I know. Terrible judgement call. But considering the fact that that's the only hormonal release I've put out into the world for anyone who knows me to see at 39 1/2 weeks in, I think I haven't done too badly at managing my hormonal emotions.

To back myself up here, I have less than 200 friends on facebook (now brought down to 92 and still deleting), most of whom are school friends from different countries. There are some of Taurus Man's friends and cousins, a few cousins on my dad's side, and specifically four cousins from my mom's side. Those four cousins are the only ones who would know anyone from the family name that I referred to, and seeing as none of them are in contact with me on facebook, nor do I ever see any activity from their profiles, I assumed that it would be safe to put that little status out there, especially as it became quickly covered with songs, links, etc and other notifications that sent it way down to the bottom of my profile.

Why even have it there then? That was my way of getting some of my hurt out there, without actually telling anyone anything to hurt them or cause problems. I was sure nobody would see it and I would have some time to think things over, get the hurt out, and then delete it. I rarely update my facebook anyway, and the only people that are in frequent contact with me are some of my friends, who care less about some family name they've never heard of. The internet crashed either that same day or the next morning. No biggie, I would delete it as soon as the internet came back. I was still upset about the family thing, but I was cool and no longer crying about it.

Yet, here was my paternal aunt, a week later, yelling in my face that I was using her name and passing rumors about her and making people say things about her. What the WHAT? I had used the family name,  which she was related to by marriage, and that meant I was accusing her of things when she's always been there for me and was causing problems and gossiping about them all on Facebook. :O <<<<See my face right there? With the jaw dropping through the floor and straight through to the netherworld, surprising even the devil himself? Yeah. I assured her the status was not about her or anyone she claimed I was talking about, told her specifically who it was about and she interrupted me again to continue yelling that yes, I was accusing her and talking about her and passing rumors about her, her husband, and her children as I stupidly continued repeating "no it's not, I never accused you of anything, I never talked about you, I never spread your name, etc".

I was a sobbing fool by this point. Do I get no credit of having the slightest bit of character that she would so readily and seriously assume and wholeheartedly believe that I would go around falsely accusing people like that? I repeated that it was not about her, again told her who it was about, and told her that I had not accused her of anything or said anything about her, her husband, or children. Still, she continued to rant and went on to say that the entire _____ family has been there for me my whole life and she has always stood by my side and been for me my whole life and that hit a nerve. I was just standing there quietly, crying and taking it all in like a 2 year old being scolded for breaking the cookie jar, but this lady had her facts mixed up.

I told her again that it was not about her, I said nothing about her, and as a matter of fact, the family had not been there for me, and when some members of the family (named a specific instance) were doing certain things (specifically referred to events that should have ended in me calling the police) the rest of the family stood by quietly and watched, no one stood up for me, defended me, or was there for me and my support from this family had been nil.

She started yelling again and said I was a liar because she supported me my whole life and she was there for me my whole life and she let me use her phone to call my dad. Are you for real? My dad asked her, as his sister, to let us communicate with her phone as he wasn't in the country to know what was going on when the ______ family was unleashing hell on me, and three years later, this is something to hold a grudge about or demand praise for? Had my thank you's and my dad's thank you's not been good enough? Has the times of my parents financially supporting her family or the fact that to this day my dad still runs errands etc. for them when he's in the country not been good enough? What exactly does she need to repay this debt of my ear touching her cell phone? And I say DEBT because the rest of her rant was about how she was there for me and supported me and even let me talk to my dad on HER phone. Are you FOR REAL? As I later told Capricorn girl when relaying the matter to her, BITCHES BE TRIPPIN, YO.

I continued crying and insisting that I had not slandered her name or her family's and the _____ family had not been there for me

25 Things I Wish I Could Go Back In Time And Tell My Pregnant Self

1. Hormones are real. Don't let anyone give you crap about them and stop holding them in. Your stress is the baby's stress. Release your hormonal fury and chill.

2. Find a strong, outspoken friend to be your advocate when you can't speak for yourself. Especially when you're alone in the delivery room and the doctors and nurses are ignoring you as the baby's head is coming out.

3. Depression before, during, and after pregnancy is a real thing. If one doctor's treatment is "just don't be depressed", get a second opinion. If you talk to someone who insists it's all in your head, get a third opinion, or forth, or fifth and so on.

4. You don't owe it to anyone to have your baby in a certain place, in a certain way, or to make yourself uncomfortable to convenience anyone other than yourself and your baby. This is YOUR journey.

5. Don't let people treat you like a surrogate or a vagina. When people talk about you having their baby, or thank you for having the baby for them, correct them. This is YOUR baby. You are a woman about to bring life into the world. You deserve a little respect for that.

6. Don't let people tell you that you don't matter or make YOUR pregnancy all about themselves. People who have had their chance played the game already. People who are waiting on their chance still have no right to undermine or belittle you. This is about YOU and YOUR BABY.

7. Fight for your rights and for your respect early. You won't be in any shape to when you're crying at 3AM praying the baby stays asleep while you feed him while you work out your bad feelings from an earlier conversation with an insensitive person.

8. There is such a thing as maternal instincts, and all of yours will be right, despite the lack of support to follow them.

9. Anyone that wants to be involved with the baby? Tell them you may not need help with the baby right away as you try to settle in and bond, but you'll need all the help you can get with things around the house. Make or take suggestions for ways any willing volunteers can help and keep that list closer to you than your bottle of Benefiber. Take all this help at least for the first week, if possible, a month. Once you're sure you're not going crazy and had your special time with your baby, THEN everyone else can come. Put you and baby first.

10. Take volunteers up on their offers to help both before and after baby's arrival. You need to relax as much as possible and may be glued to the bed for awhile after birth.

11. Don't just quietly mention that you want at least a week to yourself (aka visitor free) after birth. Repeat it firmly and often. You will be on a hormonal high for about a week or more and trust me, you'll appreciate every last drop that you can squeeze out of that just for you and your baby to bond rather than to be used smiling through pain and entertaining excited guests that don't want to leave as you pray you don't poop your pants in their prescence.

12. Pain. Not a joke. Your instincts will be right, those bitches WERE contractions in early February. They will last until birth in mid-March. Labor will be all natural, speedy, dream-like, emotional, incredible, and deeply missed. 4th degree stitches will pique your curiosity. You will question whether stitches are supposed to hurt like that. They are, but only when someone leaves gauze inside you and it gets infected. By your 2nd clueless week, the infection will increase and be worse than labor pains. Uterine cramps will be similar to medium period pains. None of your pregnancy, labor, or post-partum pain will ever be as bad as your endo pain. Nevertheless, stock up on painkillers so you can focus on caring for the baby (and YOU!).

13.4th degree stitches mean you will feel pain to sit, stand, lie down, walk etc for an unknown amount of time at the stitches site. Once you can tolerate using the stairs regularly, the pain will be brought down to only feeling a slight pull of healing muscles/tissues as you move. Keep the baby in bed with you, have food brought to you, and focus on nothing more than eating, drinking TONS of water, feeding baby, and lying down for at least the first week. Lying down is your new best friend.

14. Sitz baths (with Savlon/Dettol, hot water, and Epsom salts) were a gift to humanity from the gods. If you can't do them 3x a day, do them once a day, but do them. They WILL make a difference. Perineal irrigation with warm water, Savlon/Dettol, and Epsom salts during bathroom visits was a gift from superior alien life forms to save your life. Do it. Every. Single. Time. On that note, the handheld showerhead thing you hardly ever use in the bathroom? Say hello to your new best friend.

15. Your first bowel movement after birth won't be so bad because you researched what to expect. 4th degree tears mean your sphincter is damaged which means that every bowel movement after birth will make you think of your labor: you can't stop it from coming and there's some level of pain involved.

16. Constipation. Benefiber and prune juice will not be enough. Be religious about whole grains and fruits and veggies, even when Taurus Man insists on buying food. You will be chugging water like a champ because of breastfeeding anyway.

17. You will have an over-active letdown, or over-supply of milk. Nothing you do will work until you start hand expressing and pumping to relieve engorgement and slow down the flow so your baby can eat properly. Two sanitary pads per boob every few hours will be the best nursing pads you can find. Nevertheless, always keep two thick rags or big hankerchiefs with you as back ups.

18. Everyone will have an opinion on everything from parenting to your recovery. Don't take people talking smack about you from anybody. One little comment from a good person, a paragraph from a good friend, a condescending lecture from a relative; none of it matters. Stop it in its tracks or have your appointed advocate help you out. Hormones are a bitch that will drag you through hell. Opinions, demands, lectures, insults, and drama can suck Eric Cartman's balls.

19. Everyone does NOT bond with their baby as soon as he/she is born. That's what movies are made out of. The hormonal high after the birth will help, but bear in mind this high will feel like a combination of being drunk and taking a super strong dose of some kind of happy pills. There will be this kind of woozy feeling like if everything is floating by and so amazing and you will cry for every. little. thing. for at least a week. When it's gone you will be in shock and feel like you've just been slapped in the face (to say the very least) and thrown out naked in the cold.

20. That being said, post-partum depression may not start right away. Once you realize it's rearing its ugly head, get help right away. It can happen to anyone at anytime without a logical reason. Do not talk to people you know will belittle you, blame you, and insult you for feeling that way. Find an alternative early on. Your advocate will come in handy here.

21. Have someone to go to with everything. Capricorn Girl will be your saving grace and keep you going when all seems lost. This is not a journey to venture into alone. Find a support person or a support group. Whichever works.

22. Prioritize you and your baby above all else.

23. Read my lips. D-E-L-E-G-A-T-E. You hear me? Don't nod your head at me that way. Delegate like your life depends on it.

24. Give yourself a break. OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and all their friends can also suck Eric Cartman's balls. Take in the moments as they go by and love yourself, encourage yourself, give yourself credit, and be proud of yourself for the amazing thing you're doing and for the amazing thing you're about to do. (Also for not committing hormonal murder)

25. Write down, take pictures, record; whichever way suits you. You'll cherish being able to re-live the emotions and every moment you materialized one day, whether it's to relay every detail to a curious soul, remind yourself of everything you WILL forget by the time you're ready for another child, or to convince yourself that you do not entirely suck as a mother when everything gets you down, capture the moments. At least whenever you can.

Are you There? It's Me, the Vagina.

I've discovered that the suckiest part of being pregnant is not the traumatizing stories or dangerous old wives tales strangers, friends, and family alike are suddenly compelled to share and insist you repeat. It's not even the people making eye contact with only your belly or boobs and grabbing your belly out of nowhere. Heartburn, constipation, diarrhea, Braxton Hicks, and cervical pain are all a piece of cake. It's the part where you are gradually belittled and pushed aside to no more than a mere vagina. Just a body part waiting to carry out one function.

You're not a woman anymore, you're not even a person in general. All you are is the obstacle between everyone out there and a baby's face. From my experience within my own family, all anyone cares about is what color the baby is (I kid you not - a huge factor in my family), whether he or she is pretty or ugly, and who he or she looks like. As soon as they've pushed their way through to get a good, long, scrutinizing look, they take off, never to be heard from again, only to push their faces in to take a look and make comments and poke around that very same baby when he or she starts going through puberty, and again when they become of marrying age. I've kept my distance from my family for these reasons, but with my due date getting closer, the only way to avoid people now would be to hide under a rock in the middle of Antartica.

Now, people are making my hormones cry me to sleep at night. It's my fault the baby hasn't gained enough weight. It's my fault the baby is moving as much as he/she is. It's my fault the baby might come early. It's my fault my blood count is as low as it is. It's my fault I haven't gained as much weight during the pregnancy. It's my fault I had the flu and the cold. It's my fault the hospital bags took so long to organize. It's my fault the house isn't cleaned and rearranged already. It's my fault the baby room isn't finished.

Wanting a gender neutral green & white theme is stupid and people will buy blue/pink based on what shape my belly is, and the baby BETTER be the gender they're buying for. It doesn't matter what I want, only what they want and they're telling me it will be a boy/girl, just wait and see. If it's a girl, I better look for bright pink and cute princess dresses because that's what all girls are supposed to wear whether I want to shove that old fashioned concept down my child's throat or not. If it's a boy, I better make sure everything he has is blue and screams "BOY" because that's what you're supposed to do with boys, whether I want to follow that stereotypical notion or not. It doesn't matter what I feel, what I think, or what I want. I am not important in any of these decisions, nor should I expect to have any kind of say whatsoever.

I should not breastfeed my baby at night, only during the day, and the baby should be bottle-fed formula at night only by my husband, not me. Cleaning, cooking, washing, and taking care of the baby are all solely my responsibilities and the only help I should ask for/accept is with regards to traditional old wives tales of "rubbing the uterus back in place" even if I don't want any more strangers near my lady parts, and "oiling down" the baby. I should get rid of the things I actually do have ready for the baby that doesn't meet the approval of one or two particular people, and use nothing until they can get the products they insist I use. The only things that are necessary for the baby are things that were used by other moms 20-30 years ago and anything more is just being obnoxious.

It doesn't matter what the hospital, doctor, nurses, or clinic staff say, if this person says I should use a 30 year old product instead of following modern day medical advice, that's exactly what I should do, no exceptions. If I know I have severe side effects from a certain medication that leads to me being hospitalized, I should still take it because someone can get it for cheap over the counter in another country. If someone has offered to buy a book/toy/article of clothing for the baby and asks for my input, I should not mention that I would like to follow a gender neutral (GREEN AND MOTHERFUCKING WHITE PEOPLE. IS THAT SO MOTHERFUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND? "Excuse me ma'am/sir, can I help you?" "Oh yes please, I'm looking for something gender neutral, green and white preferably, can you show me what selections you have available?/I was looking at this actually, do you have it available in green and/or white?" "Why yes, come right this way/No, I'm sorry, you'll have to check another store." "THANK YOU" End of fucking story. WILL THAT FUCKING KILL SOMEONE???? WILL IT MOTHERFUCKING KILL THEM?!?!?!!?!) theme or have a preference of certain things over another. I should understand that I have no say in any of the decisions being made about myself or my the baby, and things like colors aren't big deals anyway, but I should be very understanding of how important those things are to every one else out there, like the people going on about how it BETTER be a boy because they bought all blue or it BETTER be a girl because they bought all pink.

Why am I keeping the baby from being born? Why am I hurrying the baby to be born? Why don't I make the baby put on more weight? Why don't I use *insert old wives tale here* instead of *insert sound modern day medical advice/common sense here*?

It goes on, trust me. It might not seem like a big deal; I've tried to talk to one or two people about it and they certainly don't think it is, but for a young mom-to-be trying to figure out how to be a good mother with no example to follow and figure out how to provide the best she can for her baby, all of these opinions/orders don't make things any easier. How are you supposed to have any kind of mother/child relationship with so many hands twisting you this way and that and demanding that you follow so many orders? Whatever happened to motherhood being a beautiful thing? Or the mother/child relationship being a sacred/special one? Isn't breastfeeding my decision and kind of up to the baby and my milk supply more than the orders from someone else miles away? Don't I as a parent get to decide whether or not I want to swaddle my baby or rock him/her to sleep? Can't I decide whether or not I want to bathe my baby in a bucket/bowl or a baby bathtub? Can't I make decisions about diapering my baby, or wait to see how cloth diapering works out, or what kind of disposable diaper works with the baby before getting stocks of a certain kind of disposable diaper? Can't I plan for teething rings, play mats, and toys when the baby reaches those stages if I have no say in anything else at the very least? Can't I decide on who I am and am not comfortable informing about my cervical information, labor information, and see first when the baby is born?

What irks me more than anything is knowing that I always keep my head down and take things like this very quietly. I don't make a fuss, I don't argue, I don't stand up for myself period. I say nothing out loud and everything in my head. I always look for the lower, more respectful road. That stupid road gets me HERE. Fighting back tears for the fourth time today alone. The people that curse and scream and lie and cheat and steal? They're all living the high life, doing as they please, and they know damned well nobody can dare come near them and breathe anything remotely close to "you better", "you should", or "you have to". THEY are bowed down to and welcomed everywhere they go with open arms, revered as kings and queens of their time. Me? I'm just a vagina pushing out a kid people want to see.

However, even if I am just a vagina, I think what I'm about to do, you know, the whole bringing a baby into the world thing? Yeah, that. I think it's still pretty important. I think that not just anyone can pull that off and I'm pretty special for it. Look at a penis. Or a boob. Or an elbow. Think they can handle the pressure? No. That's why it's my job. I might be bruised and swollen and sore afterwards, but I'm the one who handles this job. Even if nobody else realizes it. Even if all the fingers and toes and nose hairs give themselves a parade afterwards. They might hide me away under a hospital gown, but I'll know what I accomplished. One day, all us vaginas will unite and show 'em all who's boss. Until then, very, very quiet rounds of applause for us all. *quietly cheers*

Pregnancy, Belly, Baby, and Hospital Updates + Lists

Firstly, just about a week or two after the last belly pic I posted, I had an insane belly growth spurt! Have a look see at my 9 month belly:

I feel amazing, and have had insane energy bursts throughout the month, which have allowed me to get a ton of things done. My belly itches a lot more often, and I've noticed that it's gotten redder, but it's been no cause for concern with the nurses and doctor at the clinic or my ob-gyn, so I'm not worried. My only hiccup has been with the blood count as I stated in the last post, and I'm working on that round the clock these days. Bending down with the bigger belly hurts more and is more uncomfortable, and adds to the bone pain as well, so I try to avoid that as much as possible. I either still have the cold I got from my grandmother/thieving liar (too tired to make that ranting post about her I said would be coming) or it's turned into some kind of virus as I've been exhausted and drowsy for the past couple of days with a slight fever and normal cold symptoms. That's just been annoying as I want to get everything done ASAP. There has been a lot more upper back pain and insane rib pain (possibly from an injury I sustained before leaving NY), which is probably because I've gone back to wearing my old bras 24/7 to help with the weight of my boobs, so it's a choice between the lesser of two evils. I've had to give up the granny bras because the chafing led to rashes which spread to everywhere a seam on any of my clothes touched my body until I tried going without said granny bras and the problem eased up. I've also given up Taurus Man's boxers in exchange for some granny panties, mainly so that I can comfortably wear panty liners again (the importance of this cannot be stressed enough!). Heartburn is back, but I keep it under control by avoiding onions, garlic, and oily foods. Also, I don't hold back with Tums, as not only does it help with the heartburn, but the added calcium helps ease the bone pain if I take a couple every day (as I was advised to do by the nurse in the clinic). I've also been getting cervical pain for about a week now, every night from 11pm-2am for the first few days, then until 4am, and then not only through the night but through the day as well, and since yesterday, with a feeling of pressure pushing down as well. I'm grateful for it as I'm guessing this means my body is preparing for labor (thank you GOD!!!!!!), but at the same time, I would love to get some sleep. An hour long nap is not sleep, people. That's supposed to be after the baby comes, not now. I think it's safe to say that I've rarely been subjected to hormones throughout this pregnancy. Before this month, I probably had three angry crying episodes total and realized it was most likely hormones shortly after thinking things through. This month though, I've been super cry-y. I'm sure it's hormones because I usually keep my emotions to myself and I absolutely despise me and crying in the same sentence. My boobs are also itchier and I actually accidentally squirted milk out of my left boob last month while lathering myself in coconut oil (I was craving the smell of it and thought, why not? Apparently that's why not lol). My feet still hurt and I think my calves and thighs got bulkier and more muscle-y than before. I'm not sure if I've mentioned frequent urination kicking in before, but I can't get more than two straight hours of sleep because of the scheming plots hatched between Superbaby's dance moves and my bladder. Speaking of which, I'll be back in just a minute. *waddles off quickly*

Secondly, I made a new list of the baby things Taurus Man and I still need to get and categorized the list for better understanding and less clutter. Yes, I am aware I need to see list-makers anonymous and go to list-making rehab and take anti-list-making medication. Whatevs. You see that complicated looking "baby essentials checklist" on the last post about the baby and hospital lists? This new list is that list without the things that are crossed out and now put into categories instead of having things listed at random. Isn't that easier? *searches for excuses* I also intend to use this new format to update the final list of baby essentials that I will judge for myself when Superbaby gets here, and of course, share with all of you lovely darlings.

BABY ESSENTIALS

FEEDING

• …       Sterilizing tablets/electric sterilizer [Avent]
• …       Bottle warmer
• …       Bottle brush
• …       Bottle drying tray
• …       Hot water thermos
• …       Insulated bottle case
• …       Breast pump
• …       Breast milk storage containers
• …       Burp cloths
• …       Pacifier
• …       Pacifier case/holder
• …       Nursing bra
• …       Nipple cream
• …       Nursing pads
• …       Medicine dispenser (dropper)
• …       Bulb syringe
• …       Formula (small can for emergency if exclusively breastfeeding)
• …       Gripe water (Little Tummy’s)
• …       Digital thermometer
• …       Kettle (electric preferably)

HYGIENE

• …       Bathtub (infant-to-toddler stage) w/safety feature [Fisherprice]
• …       Hooded towels
• …       Diaper pins
• …       Humidifier
• …       Hair brush & comb
• …       Diaper pail/small garbage bin
• …       Wash basket/laundry hamper (exclusively for baby)
• …       Baby laundry detergent [Dreft/Lanher]
• …       Contoured changing pad
• …       Bucket for cloth diapers

BABY ROOM/NURSERY

• …       Crib sheets
• …       Crib mosquito net
• …       Crib bumper
• …       Pillow case
• …       Pillow (to position baby)
• …       Baby monitor [Motorola]
• …       Musical crib mobile
• …       Night light
• …       Flannel cotton (for diaper liners, crib sheets, burp cloths, etc.)
• …       Pants
• …       Sleepers/all in one snap button outfits

EXTRA ITEMS

• …       Postpartum support belt/belly band
• …       Extra maternity pads/adult diapers
• …       Washtub
• …       Scrubbing board
• …       Real coconut oil
• …       Witch hazel 
• …       Aloe vera
• …       Vitamin C supplement [Emergen-C]
• …       Stool softener/fiber supplement [Benefiber]
• …       Calcium supplement [Caltrate]
• …       Pregnancy/lactation safe painkiller [Tylenol]
• …       Extra prenatal meds [Natele, Astyfer, Becoplex w/iron]
• …       Extra wipes
• …       Extra disposable diapers
• …       Extra supply of bottled water [8 liter containers]

So, what do you think? :D I also crossed everything off my hospital lists and I'm totally ready to grab my bags and head on over to pushing territory. I've also written out checklists of the items in my hospital bag as well as Superbaby's hospital bag and included these lists with my contact info and Taurus Man's info (in case of some weird emergency only I would think up in my head where all my documents are lost and I can't provide the info myself) in each bag and tagged my name all over the outside of both bags, and included labels of my name and phone number on the inside of each bag as well as on easily misplaced items such as the bottles of medical mumbo jumbo and wipes case. Here are said lists:

Mother's Hospital Bag Checklist

• 2 nightgowns (front buttoning)
• 1 pack of maternity pads
• 1 face towel
• toiletries package (soap, deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, small skin cream, blistex, comb)
• 1 Limacol
• 1 Salve antiseptic
• 1 Fleet enema
• 1 pair of socks
• 1 going home outfit (dress, bra, underwear)
• 1 towel
• 2 washrags

  Baby's Hospital Bag Checklist

• 4 baby vests
• 3 casacks
• 2 nighties
• 2 pairs of socks
• 2 hats
• 2 wash cloths
• 1 hooded towel
• 2 blankets
• 1 portable wipes case w/wipes
• 1 petroleum jelly
• 1 methylated spirit
• 1 head-to-toe baby wash
• 10 disposable diapers
• 1 package of jumbo sized cotton balls

I think everything there is self explanatory. I'd just like to explain that by packages, what I mean are basically little baggies. Do you know those clear plastic packages baby things like onesies and blankets come in? I've actually found them to be the perfect size to store things like Q-tips, tampons, pads, etc. I used one to put some cotton balls in (even though it's not on the list, I figure they would need it since you have to bring everything else), which will be placed in the changing station once the baby comes home, and a larger one to put my toiletries for the hospital in. I think it's super handy and the material is way stronger than the ziploc bags I was using before.

By the way, "casacks" are the things on the left, and baby nighties are the things on the right. I think they're hideous and I don't like them at all, but that's what the hospital wants, so that's what the hospital gets.

There will be a final list for what exactly has gone into my packed back-up bag as well. Taurus Man is currently working on painting the crib (it's 3AM), so it should be ready for me to start organizing after I get some sleep and actually wake up during daylight hours. By organizing, what I mean is that there are three parts to the crib Taurus Man built: the actual crib, a changing station, and a closet. Once the paint has dried and Taurus Man has put in the shelf liners and installed the rod for the closet, I can start packing our baby things in there. 

It is now 5AM and I am so exhausted I honestly can't remember anything I intended to write or did write. Good morning and ciao until next time!

Anemia and Pregnancy

I've had a problem with anemia for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of taking medication is at the age of 5. It's not a good story as it involves me throwing up all over the kitchen table as a side effect to an iron tonic and causing an argument between my parents, but I know I've been on iron medication at least since then. One minute my mom would say I've been anemic since birth, and the next she would claim I had no health problems whatsoever. That gets confusing after two decades, so I just rely on my own memory and experiences now.

Why the sudden post on anemia now? Because my blood count is a little low and I need to get it back up before the baby comes. My version of "a little low" is 9.1. However, the nurses and doctors at the clinic get alarmed when they see a number like that during the last lap of pregnancy and start giving me lectures on how I could die after labor with a blood count that low as I'll be losing lots of blood during labor, and then lots more blood again for quite some time afterwards. Also, if there should be any emergency, a C-section would kill me. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I know I have to be concerned with the baby and all, but I've had doctors give me the scary lectures before, especially when my blood count was 4.5 and they said I needed a blood transfusion or I would die when I was 18. Today though, I was referred to join the specialist clinic at the hospital I'm giving birth in, and I'll be there, albeit grumpily so, by 6AM tomorrow, but I'm pretty calm for now.

What kind of mother am I? Don't I care about how this affects the baby? Duh. Of course I care. I had my freak out time when Taurus Man and I discussed this at the clinic, on the way home, and after getting home. I had my freak out time, want-to-rip-your-face-off time, and want-to-pull-out-my-hair-and-scream-and-cry time. But I'm cool now. Taurus Man is out of my face and as usual, I emptied all my deepest fears and concerns and thoughts to Capricorn Girl, which is like a magic drug in itself, and already have the loose screws and nuts and bolts in my head churning away at ideas and back-up plans to get to work on fixing this.

Firstly, Taurus Man blames me because I'm super sucky at remembering to take my pills and have slacked off A LOT. You should never slack off on any meds, especially while pregnant and especially if you have a chronic health problem that takes ages and ages to raise to a "normal" level. I admit I'm beyond wrong there. Also, when my OB-GYN brushed off my anemia because my blood count was 10.5 and told me to stop taking all my anemia meds for more two thirds of the pregnancy, very much against Taurus Man's advice, I agreed and happily listened to her. I accept some blame there too because I know my body, and I know I need to take my pills at all times. I've been in and out of enough hospitals, clinics, and medical centers to know that every doctor has a different opinion and not every opinion is the right one. I should have listened to my instincts and my body and stuck to what was working for me, not immaturely jumped at the chance to stop swallowing pills. My bad. :(

Secondly, Taurus Man blames the OB-GYN. I totally agree with him here, especially because it takes some of the blame off me. The nurses at the clinic say that the doctor should have known better and done a blood test mid-pregnancy, and another at the end (now) to keep an eye on my hemoglobin regardless of what my levels were at in the beginning of the pregnancy just because of my history with anemia. I didn't tell them that she told me to stop taking my meds, but I'm guessing that would just make them angrier. Also, my frequent spotting throughout the pregnancy from week 19 onwards should have been a greater cause for concern and regardless of my anemic history, she should have checked my blood count just because of that. She should have also made a point of how fast the baby's heart beat sounds even though it registers well on the Doppler, but that's unrelated. Once my fainting got out of hand as I began the third trimester, she did prescribe a pretty strong iron med to raise my blood count quickly, and I am definitely at fault for not taking that medication, but she prescribed it because she guessed the fainting and hyperventilating was because of my blood count, and I did not take the medication because I've been on it before, and those side effects are so severe, I end up in the hospital every time I begin a course of it and my side effects actually further lower my blood count. We put her at fault again here because she ignored my issues with side effects and refused to consider any options other than that medication, when at that stage of the pregnancy, I was so weak that I needed help to turn over in bed, so subjecting myself to extreme side effects was completely out of the question. However, she's the one with the degree and all the experience, and down here, you CANNOT question people's authority (go back to that other rant-y post about the hospital protocols and conditions and so on). So, sit quietly by we must.

Thirdly, Taurus Man accepts a little blame himself because he should have taken me to join the clinic much sooner. YOU THINK? I was advised to join the clinic way earlier than last month, (even though the doctor didn't mention it and banned me from doing research on my own and asking questions) but Taurus Man didn't push the clinic thing because he can't stand hospitals and clinics in the first place and was not willing to take the chance of me having a male doctor against my choice in the public sector (I'm pretty sure I mentioned a touchy-feely doctor at some point in one of these posts) and was pretty sure the health care would be all kinds of bad. So in his defense, he was just being protective and concerned. Not in his defense, he was just being paranoid and focusing on what he was comfortable with and not what was medically necessary for a pregnant person.

That's it for the blame game. At the end of the day, the problem is the low blood count. The solution? Firstly, I'll be joining the hospital's specialist clinic because the clinic doctor said so *pouts*. Secondly, I will resume taking all my meds religiously. Thirdly, remember when I said my docs wanted me to get a blood transfusion at 18 or I would die because my blood count was 4.5? I got so sick and tired and frustrated of constantly being on trials of meds and needing more meds for the side effects of each medication, and running in and out of hospitals when the meds for the side effects didn't work and the side effects were too severe etc that I asked the doctor to give me a few weeks to work things out on my own. Honestly, my main and totally immature reason for backing away was because I was a strict and stubborn vegetarian and I did not want a meat eater's blood in my body. Stupid of me, I KNOW. However, I went back a month later after taking matters into my own hands, without medication, and raised my blood count up to 11.4. My third plan is to go back to what I practiced at that point in addition to being stricter with my meds and seeing/following along with whatever the specialist people say.

I don't want to influence anyone to be as dumb as I've been, so I won't elaborate any more than that, but that's the gist of what's going on. The nurse said I have a week to raise my blood count by at least .1 so that they can see progress is being made and hope the baby doesn't come before that to avoid all the bad, scary things they lectured me about. Better add this to my to-do list.

Hospital and Baby Checklists

Remember the lists I was talking about in the last post? I'm going to expose them to the world now *muahahahahahaha* and possibly humiliate myself in the process as I admit my honest thoughts about everything on those lists and what little I actually have checked off. Nevertheless, there might be a fellow clueless parent-to-be freaking out and bordering on the run-through-the-streets-screaming-about-the-end-of-the-world stage of insanity that might find this post helpful. I intend to go through these lists now, before Superbaby comes as a soon-to-be first time mom, and again after Superbaby comes as an actual mom with an actual baby, so I can honestly give you guys my two cents about what was and wasn't necessary. I have rewritten these lists in my diary for quick and easy access on the road, while visiting Taurus Man's family people and asking questions, while checking out baby and maternity stores, etc. I will be typing these lists word for word from my diary, with all my edits and notes included.

KEY: 

highlight = checked off i.e. I have this ready

strikethrough = crossed off my list i.e. I don't think it's necessary

red font = unchecked i.e. I still have to get this ready/this is on my shopping list

            

First, let's start off with the hospital bags.

MY HOSPITAL BAG

• 4 cotton nightgowns (button down front)
• 2 cotton dusters
• 2 packs maternity pads
• 2 towels
• 4 washrags
• toiletries (soap, deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush)
• slippers
• comb/brush
• cooling lotion - limacol/alcolado (if desired)
• 1 Fleet enema (red & white box)

EXTENDED HOSPITAL BAG LIST (FOR ME)

• bathrobe
• nursing bra
• socks
• change of clothes for home (maxi dress, underwear, sweater)
• cotton roll
• Savlon
• rubbing alcohol
• phone/camera & charger/batteries
• shaver
• chapstick
• hair tie
• face wash & make-up

Though nightgowns are highlighted as something I have ready, I personally chose to go with 2 nightgowns instead of four, as I don't normally wear nightgowns, and providing I can still comfortably wear pants after giving birth, will most likely give up the nightgowns shortly after coming home. The nightgowns I bought were the cheapest I could find for those reasons and are indeed cotton. One of them buttons down to the waist, and the other buttons straight down.

I have crossed dusters off the list because I honestly don't think I'll need it. One of my people over at the Phenomenal page suggested wearing a nightgown as a robe over another, and I can definitely do that with the nightgown that buttons straight down if need be. I intend to carry a sweater or jacket to change into when I leave the hospital, so I will also have that for warmth. 

When I go shopping next week I'll get those items in red to have my bags 100% ready. I intend on buying just one pack of maternity pads to start off with though, for the reasons I stated in the last post.

I will carry just one towel instead of two, and as per the reasons in the last post, I may not even use it. For the same reasons, instead of 4 washcloths, I will be bringing one thick, long face towel.

In terms of toiletries, throughout this pregnancy I've kept one deodorant in the bathroom, one in the bedroom, and one in my purse. I will definitely be taking one of those with me, as well as a bar of soap, my toothbrush, and my toothpaste (Taurus Man and I use different toothpastes) in individual baggies.

I wear slippers to go just about everywhere now, as it's easier to just slip off when my feet start to hurt or get too hot. As my go-to choice of footwear nowadays, I'll be wearing slippers to go to the hospital anyway, and won't need to pack it as an extra item. Yay!

To be completely honest, I don't comb my hair regularly. I can't even tell you exactly when the last time I spent any time at all on my hair was. Personally, there's no need for me to pack a comb/brush for the hospital if I rarely use it anyway.

For those of you in the states, Bay Rum also classifies as cooling lotion. I use Limacol down here for migraines on occasion, so I already have a half empty bottle on hand. I'm not sure how exactly this will be used in the hospital, but it won't hurt to throw it in.

As I said in the last post, once you're going with a public hospital, you have to supply everything. Enemas are part of the protocol down here and you have to buy it whether you want it or not. You have no say in the matter.

Taurus girl was given a checklist of things to have ready for her baby by her colleagues, and after making her own edits and whatnot, sent it to me. She included a hospital bag list for her private nursing home. I've added the things the public hospital didn't include in their list under a separate "extended" list as you can see up there. I plan on including what I think is necessary just in case.

I crossed off the bathrobe for the same reason I crossed off the dusters. All of my pre-pregnancy bras are so tight I can barely breathe in them, so I definitely plan on buying some nursing bras soon as I'd ideally like to exclusively breastfeed. If I get the nursing bras in time, I'll throw one in my bag just in case, but I'm not focusing on it as a mandatory item. I'll keep a pair of socks in the bag as well in case it gets cold at night (the hospital is not air conditioned, and the windows in the wards are usually left open for ventilation).

My change of clothes to go home in will be one of the summer dresses my MIL sent for me last month, a jacket or cardigan, a bra, and a pair of giant underwear to accommodate any soreness as well as the maternity pad. The summer dress still fits my 9 month belly and will definitely still fit regardless of how much or little of the belly I lose after giving birth.

I'm not sure what the cotton roll or Savlon is for, but I will get it next time I go shopping just in case. Taurus Girl says the Savlon is used after coming home, in something similar to a sitz bath where you sit over the steam as hot as you can take it, not in the water itself. I've never even heard of Savlon before now, but I'll find out pretty soon! Taurus Girl said there was no need for rubbing alcohol in the hospital or at home, so I crossed that off right away.

Taurus Man and I don't have a camera, but my phone has one, so I'll be packing my phone and charger with me for calls and pictures. I've heard ( as in "word on the street is...") that your lady parts need to be shaved when you go in to give birth, and if the nurses in the public hospital down here have to shave you, they get very rough when things aren't ready. I'm not sure how true that is, as my OB-GYN said nothing of the loch ness pregnancy monster I'm harboring down below or mentioned anything about shaving. Just in case, I've been trying to recruit Taurus Man to help me, so hopefully I'll be ready and waiting with just a little dignity left in case it is mandatory. Once the deed is done, I see no need to carry the shaver.

I've always had a problem with chapped, bleeding lips, so there will definitely be blistex or some kind of lip moisturizer in my bag. I keep my hair tied almost 24/7 now to deal with the heat, and once my hair tie is off my hair, it's on my wrist, so that won't be a problem either.

I hardly even use any kind of skin care regiment, and I've actually finished the products I keep on hand and can't find replacements anywhere I've checked in this country so far. It's not a mandatory item for me, and ditto for make-up. I don't intend to have visitors in the hospital aside from Taurus Man anyway, only a select few people will actually know when I go into labor, and just a couple more people will be informed when the baby is born. I'll definitely have time to swipe on some lip balm and maybe eyeliner when I get home and settle in with the baby if visitors want to come then.

BABY'S HOSPITAL BAG

• 3 nighties
• 3 casacks
• 3 vests
• 10 disposable diapers
• 2 pairs of socks/booties
• 2 blankets
• 1 bonnet
• bottle of methylated spirits
• jar of petroleum jelly
• baby soap
• wet wipes
• 2 towels
• 2 wash rags
• 2 baby hats

I'm only just learning that there are nightgowns and something called "casacks" for babies, because of this list.  I'm still not entirely sure what either of those things are, but I've been told by everyone I've asked that people in the baby stores will definitely know, so once I go shopping and see for myself what this stuff is, I can further enlighten you. :) 

I have 2 pairs of socks, blankets, and wash rags set aside with no problem. I had a barely used jar of petroleum jelly lying around, so I threw that in the baby bag as well. However, instead of two towels I'm just bringing one as I've been told that the public hospitals don't bathe babies and since I'm only supposed to be there for 24 hours and I just have two towels for the baby so far, I see no harm in keeping one [clean] on hand for when I get home. Seeing as I'm bringing two baby hats, I don't understand why I would need a bonnet, so I've taken the liberty of ignoring that.

Although the hospital list plainly says "soap", I've decided to get baby soap, or a head-to-toe baby wash instead. Seeing as how this is Trinidad, they probably really expect me to walk with a bar of regular soap, but seeing as how the baby's skin will be so sensitive anyway, and there's a chance that my super freaky sensitive skin could be passed down as well, I say my baby gets some kind of hypoallergenic baby wash for sensitive skin, not an actual bar of soap. So there :P

Taurus Man and I bought a nice tub of wipes last week, and also got three refill packs sent down from my mom and brothers, so we're cool on wipes, but we'll be buying one of those small, portable cases to take to the hospital and keep in the baby bag for future reference, so even though we have stocks of wipes, I'm leaving it unchecked until we buy the little case next week.

**Quick note: I think it goes without saying, but I just want to mention that all the things I'll be buying will be hypoallergenic and for sensitive skin. That's what I look for on the rare occasion I need to buy a bottle of cream or some kind of make-up for myself, and it's what I personally feel better using on the baby for the reasons listed above. Different people go for different things, and that's what I'm cool with. Just so you know :)

Since I'm walking with just the bare minimum for the hospital and squeezing back where I can, what if there's an emergency and I actually need all that stuff? Ahhh, I thought of that too. :D I made an emergency bag checklist that Taurus Man will keep with him in the car (he plans to camp out in the parking lot until I'm discharged. Isn't he the sweetest?). In the event that I do need anything extra, he can just waltz in like "Pardon me bitches, but my smokin' hot wife is in labor and she needs this right now. Step aside, yo." Of course he's not going to actually say that, but you get the gist.


EMERGENCY BAG/EXTRA ITEMS

• blanket for me
• dress to deliver in and big old underwear
• garbage bag & old towel for car
• cereal bars/poptarts/cinnamon raisin bread
• bottled water
• extra nightgown
• bathrobe
• extra towel
• 4 washrags
• blanket for baby
• newborn sleeper gown
• extra baby towel
• extra baby hat and pair of socks
• medical documents, hospital card, clinic paper, ob-gyn pregnancy record, etc.
• 10 extra diapers
• list of specific people (w/ info) to call when labor starts and after the baby is born, respectively

I think that should cover everything for the hospital. Although I have everything in the emergency bag checked off, I just have to actually pack the bag. Just a quick run through the list:

When Taurus Man was hospitalized in this very hospital for his heart attack, the thin hospital blanket was not enough to keep him warm and his feet actually went numb from the coldness at night. Luckily, one of the nurses was nice enough to sneak him an extra blanket. In case I don't have a super nice nurse, I'll bring my own blanket as backup. 

Labor can happen at anytime and go in any direction, whether I have time to take a shower and change at home or we're speeding down the highway soaked in amniotic fluid, this emergency bag will go with me everywhere, so as long as I have a couple minutes to change into an old dress and underwear I don't mind getting dirty/potentially ruined for life, it's just a matter of a quick grab and go.

For the same reason, I intend to spread a garbage bag on my seat, followed by an old towel, so if there are any stains or messes on the way to the hospital, the car will be saved such a devastating blow. The cereal bars and other snacks are for both myself and Taurus Man. I don't know what Taurus Man intends to eat while he's camped out in the parking lot as I've left it up to him to pack what he needs for himself, but in the event that he's left with no options, he'll at least have those quick fixes to turn to. When he was hospitalized, he was admitted in the morning and was not given food until the next morning. I'm hungry every hour and a half and I'm guessing labor will use up all of my energy and resources, so unless I'm given a medical reason as to why I can't eat after at least after I have the baby, I want food dammit. Until I get food, I have my own stock of snacks to turn to in the hospital, as well as on the way home.

Taurus Man had nothing to drink the entire week he was in the hospital and I brought big liters of bottled water for him every day. I'm constantly thirsty, so again, unless I'm given a medical reason as to why I can't keep myself hydrated with water, I'll have my own water to drink since the hospital doesn't give you any. (Also as a back-up in case Taurus Man forgets to bring something for himself to drink)

I have an extra nightgown that my mom and brothers sent for me, so I'll be packing that and my old bathrobe in the event that the two nightgowns aren't enough. I also think if it's cold enough for me to actually need a duster, my old robe can definitely do the job. I'll also bring the extra towel and 4 washcloths for myself from the list in case they actually do need it for something. Same goes for the extra baby blanket and towel. In case the baby's clothes get dirty or there's any emergency there, I'll have the sleeper gown, hats, socks, and diapers to pull us out of any jam in addition to the stuff in the baby's hospital bag, which I think is excessive as it is.

I'll keep all my relevant medical documents in the emergency bag, rather than in either my bag or the baby's bag so Taurus Man can easily access it and handle that aspect of things if I'm too distracted by pain or my big toe to focus.

Also, I keep to myself when it comes to family and instead of a million acquaintances, I just have a few friends who have stuck around through the years. I'm doing a long-distance Blessingsway with a handful of people who have been there for me and so far, plan to call only those involved when I go into labor. After I actually give birth, there are a few select people Taurus Man and I have agreed to inform, and whoever finds out after that, will find out however they find out. I tried to reach out to everyone I knew for years on end, again when I got married, and again when I found out I was pregnant, and the feedback has been very dead-ish. I'm sure I've said this countless times in other posts, but I'm done trying to make everyone feel good and make other people a priority when I'm clearly nowhere close to the same in their lives. I appreciate the people who have been there for me and try my best to respect and treasure them they way I feel they do for me, but as selfish as I may sound, I couldn't care less for the people that pretend I don't exist for years on end and show up just to judge, lecture, and/or condemn me because I won't give up who I am to blindly follow whatever crowd they happen to think is right at the time. I'm no longer the girl that preaches "treat them the way you want them to treat you" and "shower them with kindness until they open their eyes". Uhhhhhh, NO. So far, that has never worked for me, and I only end up getting hurt and having more trust issues in the end. Rather than run around crying and yelling in everyone's faces begging them to be nice, I think it works out better for me to keep to myself and let them all keep on just keeping on.*end of rant* Now, I won't concern myself with anything but taking care of myself and the baby (and Taurus Man when I can spare some sanity and time lol) and I think that's totally understandable.

This is the basic rundown of the list of baby things I got from Taurus Girl after edits by her, myself, and then us both together. This is supposed to be a basic guide to help you figure out what you need for a new baby. You'll see what I honestly have and don't have ready and all that goodness *prepares to be embarrassed*. Of course, like I said, I intend to do a 'before' and 'after', where after the baby I'll give you feedback on what I actually needed/used and whatnot (and will hopefully have most of this ready!).

BABY ESSENTIALS CHECKLIST

• sterilizing tablets/bottle sterilizer (avent)
• bottles
• milk separator/dispenser
• bottle warmer
• bottle brush
• travel bottle warmer
• hot water thermos
• breast pump
• breast milk containers
• bibs
• burp cloths/rags
• pacifier
• pacifier case and holder
• pacifier wipes

• wipe warmer and pillow replacement (Prince Lionheart)
• wipes-thick, unscented or cloths & wipe solution
• hooded towels
• wash cloths
• bathtub with safety feature (Fisher Price)
• baby wash (head-to-toe eliminates need for shampoo)
• baby lotion
• baby shampoo
• baby powder or Ammens
• petroleum jelly
• changing mat
• cloth diapers
• pillow
• disposable diapers (Pampers) [Huggies for newborn (low waist)]
• disposable diaper bags/plastic bags
• digital thermometer
• bulb syringe
• nasal aspirator
• nail clipper and/or nail file
• brush & comb
• medicine dispenser (dropper)
• formula
• diaper rash cream (Desitin)
• gripe water (Little Tummy's)
• diaper pail
• cotton balls/roll

• receiving blankets
• swaddle blanket
• crib sheets
• pillow case
• bumpers
• crib net
• monitor (motorola)
• musical mobile
• baby laundry detergent (Dreft or Lanher + regular softener)
• night light

• onesies
• long sleeper/crawler suits
• pants
• socks
• hats
• mittens
• sleepers/gowns
• vests
• outfit sets

• Car seat (5 point harness infant car seat, rear facing), thick straps not easily twisted, plastic coverings with non-metal exposure (for the heat), cotton removable fabric so it can be washed (Chicco)
• Stroller
• Crib set (convertible with toddler rail, changing station with contoured changing pad, chest)

• nursing bra
• nipple cream
• postpartum support belt
• maternity pads - thick, long, overnight (or adult diapers)
• nightgowns with front buttons
• Baby/diaper bag - wet bag, changing pad, insulated bottle case, pacifier case, wipes case, etc.

That's everything so far, though I do intend to make edits once the baby comes and I see how handy the list really came. Also, I'd like to make a practical checklist for the baby bag, not in terms of packing for the hospital, but in terms of using it for the baby on a regular basis when we go out etc. We'll see how it goes. Yes, yes, I know, that's a whole lot of red/things that aren't ready. I don't think everything on the list is actually as necessary as Taurus Girl and her colleagues have said, but hopefully Taurus Man & I can organize the majority of these things in time and see for ourselves. There will also be a list of all the things I actually do have ready and what my honest reviews are on each and every item, but that will be after I get more things ready, and most likely after the baby comes. Stay tuned! :)