So just to recap, here is my bump just starting out at 3 months:
Here it is at 4 months:
And now at 5 months:
It doesn't look like that much of a difference, but I can no longer button any of my pants, save two cargo pants that were too big and prone to falling down prior to the pregnancy. I am now using the infamous rubber band trick in order to wear my jeans. (A girl can't live on TWO pairs of cargo pants. The same creme color. Different lengths. Only two. COME ON PEOPLE!) FYI, the rubber band trick, or skinny hair tie/scrunchy as I'm using, is simply to loop the rubber band around the button, through the button hole, and then back to the button again to keep it in place. Since I can't even zip up my jeans, this is the only reason I can still wear pants.
Also, if I wear a tight blouse/cami/tank you can actually tell that I'm pregnant. From the side. Because form the front and back I look totally normal. Unzipped pants and all. I'm also wearing a lot of camis/tanks/spaghetti straps because every last one of my bras is now unwearable. If I have to go out for any reason, I throw on one of my old work shirts over the cami/vest and button two-three of the buttons in the middle. If my nipples are particularly pointy, I'll suffer with a bra, but I won't buckle it. According to a few bra measurement sites, I've gone from a DD to an E cup. Minor change, right? Tell that to my heaving bosoms! My colostrum is still a clear, sticky liquid, and although I get enough to make my cami/tank uncomfortable and stick to my nipples leaving cotton stuck all over my sticky nipples and areolas, I'm still not leaking through my shirts and am nowhere close to needing nursing pads.
I have gone four days without vomiting so far. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not celebrating too loudly though, as the sickness has come and gone as it pleases. Hopefully it's gone for good :D. I do, however, have diarrhea quite frequently. It doesn't worry my doc as she's just relieved the excessive vomiting is practically gone. Thankfully, I'm not constipated, and diarrhea aside, my bowel movements are regular.
I've also noticed that my regularly bulging veins are now more bulgy and green than ever. My pre-existing varicose veins are now more prevalent too. I've noticed stretch marks on my breasts and thighs, but I know I've had stretch marks there pre-pregnancy so I'm pretty sure I don't have any caused solely by the pregnancy yet. I keep my skin hydrated with hypoallergenic skin cream for sensitive skin during the day (when I remember - which has been three times this month so far) and pure cocoa butter at night (when I remember - which has been 10-15 times this month so far). I've also come across theories on massaging the perineum with oil to prevent tearing and the need for an episiotomy during delivery. I haven't come across anyone who has done this and given their review of their birth experience, so I'm not sure if it works. I have tried it, with coconut oil, about 3 or 4 times throughout my pregnancy so far.
In case you haven't realized by now, my memory basically sucks. I was known to forget why I walked into a room before getting pregnant, but now I forget words and jumble up the meaning of things, and provide hubby with a 24/7 entertainment show. I was a skeptic, but pregnancy brain is REAL you guys! I kid you not.
Oh, I also think I've had my first craving! About a week ago, possibly more, I was eating and I had this nagging feeling that something was missing. I kept thinking about pepper and no mater what I tried I couldn't get it out of my mind. I added some peppersauce to my food after cutting spicy things out of my diet nearly a year ago, and BAM. Instant heaven. I keep a bottle of peppersauce by my bedside now. Everything I eat gets some of that stuff. Nothing weird yet, it's only been actual food so far, but I can't eat anything without it. Also, a few days ago I had some preserved green hot pepper mango, which I had stopped eating in my mid-teens, and HOLY SHIZNIT. It was the bomb. I think about it all the time. It was just a passing thought when hubby and I went searching for groceries late that night, but man am I glad I thought about it.
I've also learned that my uterus has ligaments and ohmigod it HURTS. It's not like the pain I told you about before. It's like a shooting, stabbing pain on the sides of my groin and combined with lightning pains going down my crotch like a searing hot knitting needle, it's not pretty. WHY DOES NOBODY TELL YOU THIS ABOUT PREGNANCY? Everybody is all up in your business telling you to make babies like rabbits because babies are so cute. Where are they when my vagina is trying to kill me? NOWHERE. Damned bitches. Also the back pain has gotten worse. It's constant throughout the day, every single day. I either look like Quasimodo or I'm busting out some yoga moves approved for prenatal stretching getting my freak on to get a little relief from the pain. Sleeping is even more of a task because of this pain. (Now accepting donations in the form of massages. Please email me for further information. Please and thank you.)
With regards to sleeping, that just doesn't happen much. Did I mention that I started feeling movements at 12 weeks? Well, I started feeling kicks at 17/18 weeks. So I get these little wavy flutters like if my heart is skipping a beat but in my belly when superbaby is swimming around and floating by ever so sweetly. Then I get these bumps and taps and sudden nudges like if superbaby is knocking on the door to my womb "hey, I'm still here. Entertain me now." and that's also really sweet. Then there are ninja kicks and Mortal Kombat punches and breakdancing and I really don't know what else superbaby does in there. That stuff is freaky. It's like if he/she is fighting someone and trying to bust the hell outta there. That one HURTS like you won't believe. It feels like my whole belly vibrates with each slam dunk or goal or whatever he/she is doing in there. All that aside, once there's any kind of kick, I usually feel it so strong that I can't focus on anything else. especially if I want to sleep. The painful ones are no joke. The funny thing is, although my little angel checks in on me throughout the day, the second I yawn or have a thought about getting ready to sleep, fists of fury start. It's insane. I've been monitoring the little rascal for a week now and it happens every single time. Even if I've been lying down for hours trying to force myself to get some shut-eye, the second I start drifting off, the action starts.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but I had a pregnancy scare recently. I had some slight bleeding, like spotting, for four days with what felt like severe menstrual cramps (as an endo, that's saying something) and after an insane amount of kicking all day throughout the third day, from that night I had absolutely no movement at all. All I know about pregnancy is what I read online or in books and what I've experienced so far. Superbaby had developed a pattern of kicking around the same times each day and night and once that had stopped, and I read some horror stories about spotting during pregnancy at 19 weeks, I started to panic. The pain didn't help. I called my doc who insisted that I come in right away, but try to drink something sweet and cold to induce kicking. I waited three hours. Nothing. Called the doc again and agreed to rush right over. It took a little while to find the heartbeat this time, but once I heard that galloping sound my eyes started tearing up and I was inches away from bawling like a baby. The doc did an ultrasound and found the baby moving as normal and finally, the baby kicked! She checked my cervix to make sure I wasn't dilating (which hurts a little btw) and then sat hubby and myself down to get to the cause of the incident. I hadn't had intercourse, I hadn't lifted anything heavy, I hadn't done anything strenuous except a little scrubbing here and there which hardly constitutes "strenuous", and I hadn't strained or over exerted myself in anyway. Then she started on stress. Knowing my history with depression and the severity of it preceding the pregnancy, she gave me a good scolding on stressing myself out so much that I had stressed out the baby and if I continued this way I would definitely end up with more complications. She said the depression on my face was plain as day and the more I let these things affect the pregnancy, the higher my chances were of miscarriage, stillbirth, and/or preterm labor. She suggested that if I had no choice but to live with my in-laws as we do, then I should look for a part-time job a few days a week just to have somewhere to escape to and get away from the stress. Among her recommendations were daycare work, so once my energy levels are a bit higher and my body can tolerate that, I'll be checking it out. I know it's very easy to say "don't stress out when you're pregnant", but it's easier said than done. I'm also contemplating getting a second opinion on taking antidepressants while pregnant. My doc is strongly against medications during pregnancy, as am I normally, but my depression had gotten so severe that I tried to commit suicide three ways during my first month of pregnancy before I had the slightest idea I could be pregnant. My doc had me on meds 24/7 at the doses I was on for a reason. I know I'm supposed to have the ability to battle it out and suck it up and move on, and I have been doing that my entire life, but I just don't feel that way anymore. I actually know that I'm still depressed. I'm not in denial or anything. I'm trying to get back into meditation and I use music to relax once I get the chance, I also walk 1-2 hours at least four days a week for exercise and relaxation. I just don't have the strength I used to. Every where I turn I'm haunted by my past and the crap I'm facing presently as well. I've had the majority of my family blatantly turn their backs on me when I spoke up to them and asked them to stand by me and the rest just shun me or turn their backs on me because I'm the bad one that talks about the dirty things that happen in and around such a very proud family. The people that acknowledge I've said anything at all have twisted my words out of context and/or accused me of outright lying. Amazing support system, right? My own family is actually the main reason why my in-laws, who were initially thrilled with me, now hate me so much. It's a never-ending cycle of different kinds of hell. My doc has been concerned from the beginning about whether or not my depression will make me resent this pregnancy and baby. Honestly, I was not prepared in any way for this to happen now. This pregnancy happened at the worst and lowest point of my life, where there is so much damage I can't even bring myself to pray or even hope for things to get better. But I don't resent the pregnancy or baby. I consider this child a blessing. I can't count how many days and nights I cried my heart out wondering if the endometriosis would deny me the ability to have children. Being blessed with a child and being granted the gift of experiencing pregnancy is the most humbling and greatest thing I've ever dreamt of and I am immensely thankful for it. I am, however, absolutely terrified to bring my child into a world filled with so much hatred, crime, and ignorance, especially with so much of it being in mine and my husband's own families. The very people we are supposed to trust and look to for guidance have manipulated, lied to, used, and harmed us in many ways. These people do not like me or my husband. How do I expect them to treat my child? How do I protect my child from being physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused? How do I prevent my child from being used as a pawn in mental games between sick, insensitive adults? How do I prevent my child from being mistreated and taken advantage of by the people that my child are supposed to trust? How do I stop people from crossing boundaries to put ideas in my child's head and trying to manipulate him/her against whomever or whatever pleases them? I, as my child's mother, am helpless. I have been helpless to stop these things from happening to me and the people I care about. I still live in fear of someone coming to attack me. I ran out of the mall crying last year December because I caught a glimpse of someone that had verbally abused and threatened me the previous year. This was not one of the people who physically harmed me. It was only verbal. I saw a glimpse of them and I ran out of the building in tears. How am I supposed to protect a child? My child? A part of myself free to walk around, vulnerable and exposed to everyone and everything out there? How am I supposed to teach them to be brave? About hope and good when I don't see any myself? I don't resent this pregnancy or my baby. I cry myself to sleep because I am beyond terrified of the mere idea that my child could live anything remotely resembling the life I barely survived. If you can call having this many issues after two years of therapy surviving.
Anyway. Let's get out of the dark, twisty place filled with negativity. I honestly can't remember a single thing I was going to mention in this blog post. Let's all give a warm welcome to pregnancy brain, folks. Well wishes to those being affected by Hurricane Sandy and their loved ones. That includes humanoids as well as fur babies. In other news, my cat has been pregnant for an eternity. Her bump is bigger than mine, I'm jealous and I don't care who knows, and she's probably going to end up in the Guinness book of world records for longest gestation period by a cat. Every time I think I see a labor symptom, I end up spending a day/night staring at her and stalking her every move like some ninja spy hiding behind cabinets and doors so she can't see me, only to get distracted by something and realize she's still as pregnant as ever when I remember to look for her two days later. I may also be developing an addiction to my clorox cleaning solution (1:1 water and clorox) because I scrub the bathroom every day with it to relax myself because I WANT to and it makes me feel better. Am I going back to my cleaning addiction days or is it just the clorox? We'll have to wait and see. I also keep forgetting to keep the bathroom ventilated and I end up coughing my brains out after spraying the floor and shower walls all around me while I've locked myself in the shower. I'm brilliant, aren't I? I do this EVERY SINGLE TIME I use the damned spray. Where is my brain? I blame the hormones. I seriously still can't remember whatever else it was I had to say. Peace out for now.
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